The Totally and Completely, Positively Evil,
by Ms. Blonde
Summary: Evil Villains Show. Harry Potter characters, with a few of my own characters. Like Cruel and Unusual Punishment Guy


This is my first fic, so don't expect too much.  
  
The Totally and Completely, Positively Evil, Evil Villains Show  
  
Brought to you in part by Gilderoy Lockhart.  
  
He's the one sponsoring this show.  
  
He made this all possible.  
  
He is really evil.  
  
Well maybe not, but anyway...  
  
He brought in the most evil and feared villains ever!  
  
They are...Lord Voldermort!  
  
Tom Marvolo Riddle!  
  
Salazar Slytherin!  
  
Cruel and Unusual Punishment Guy!  
  
And…(drum roll) Totally and Completely, Positively Evil, Evil Villains Guy!  
  
And our game show host is Lucius Malfoy!  
  
(wild screaming from girls)  
  
(AN/ I know that's gross, but it always happens in game shows. ::shrugs:: I don't know why. Wait! I do know! They were all paid!)  
  
We would also likes to add that Gilderoy Lockhart has won the most charming smile award for at least five years, and he's still going. He has a great smile. You should read his books too. They are very good. He wrote a ton of them. He still has a cute smile. That's why he's sponsoring this show. He would also like you all to know that his smile is really pure evil, and that it's not real. Well maybe he didn't want you to know that, but oh well. I have my sources for knowing this information. He is-  
  
"Could we just get on with the show?" screamed Lucius Malfoy.  
  
In a minute. He wears make-up. Snape could use some. Did you know that Snape hasn't washed his hair since he graduated from Hogwarts? He bathes it in grease mixed with oil. He is a really cool guy, don't get me wrong. He also used to be totally evil, but he changed. Can you believe the nerve of that guy? I mean you'd think after-  
  
"Stop talking!" spat out a very angry Lucius. "You have taken up more than half the time we have for this Show! We only have a half an hour, or thirty minutes! Whichever you prefer!  
  
The announcer responded very timidly saying, Sorry.  
  
"You should be!"  
  
Actually, I'm not sorry!  
  
"What!"  
  
This is America I have a right to do whatever I want.  
  
"Oh really? For your information this is England!"  
  
Oh, well that explains the Union Jacks flying around. But that doesn't matter because I have this really cool, super, powerful microphone, and you don't have anything. So HAHA!  
  
"Why I audda- you know what I don't really care! Just start the show already!"  
  
I already did.  
  
"Good. OK now, on this show we first need to know how old you are. So… Lord Voldermort?"  
  
"What!"  
  
"How old are you?"  
  
"I don't have to tell you!"  
  
"Just tell us your birthday then!"  
  
"Alright, my birthday is… um… let me think about that for a minute."  
  
"OK. So Tom, what is your birthday?"  
  
"The same as his," pointing at Lord Voldermort.  
  
"He didn't tell us."  
  
"Then I clearly don't know then, do I?"  
  
"How should I know?"  
  
"This is an outrage!"  
  
"And you are impossible! Oh well. Salazar, how old are you?"  
  
"My birthday is June 6, 973 AD."  
  
"It can't be!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because if it was you'd be dead by now."  
  
"I'm evil, I can come back to life whenever I want."  
  
"Fine! OK the last two contestants, when are your birthday's?"  
  
"My birthday is August 24, 1974," said Cruel and Unusual Punishment Guy.  
  
"Mine is December 10, 1960," said Totally and Completely, Positively Evil, Evil Villains Guy.  
  
"Alrighty then, we're all old enough to play this game," said a very annoyed Lucius.  
  
"So what's the first game? Is it something cruel and unusual?" asked Cruel and Unusual Punishment guy.  
  
"We are going to put you all in a room full of beautiful flowers, and yes that means there's roses. But they have no thorns. Which means you can't go around killing off the other opponents. We will also have some cute little things put in the room. Whoever survives the longest wins."  
  
"What kind of cute things?" asked a very curious Salazar Slytherin.  
  
"Well, there's the Teletubbies, Barney, and WHAT! This must be a typo."  
  
"Why? What does it say?" everyone asked.  
  
"It says the other cute thing is, Gilderoy Lockhart!"  
  
"I quit!" yelled Lord Voldermort.  
  
"You can't quit until you're in the room."  
  
"That is totally pointless!"  
  
"I don't make the rules around here, I tell them!"  
  
(out of nowhere a beeping noise comes up)  
  
"Oh too bad, that means than we're out of time."  
  
Tune in next week for the real game. You'll see all these Evil Villains get into a room full of cute things. Who knows, they might even turn soft on us. This is Dougray Craftine, and thank you for watching The Totally and Completely, Positively Evil, Evil Villains show. See you all next week, when you watch the Evil Channel.  
  
(cheesy music starts up) (AN/ Mmmm… CHEESE!)  
  
Hope you liked my pitiful excuse for being funny. I tried, I really did. If you liked this then, and only then will I write the second part. So you have to read and review me first. Then I'll post chapter two of the Totally and Completely, Positively Evil, Evil Villains Show. If you have any suggestions for me I'd love to hear them. If you have any questions I'd be happy to try and answer them if I can. If you really hated this story, then by all means flame me. But if you're going to flame me then do it right please. An example would be:  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of J.K. Rowling's characters, or the Teletubbies, or Barney. I own the rest though. If this sounds an awful lot like someone else's story I'm very sorry. I will swear that I didn't know.  
  
Dedicated to my best friend, and beta-reader Animorphalite. Thanks! 


End file.
